I've Gotta Have it!

This morning I had one of “the” worst experiences that a coffee drinker could ever have. Let me start at the beginning. I enjoy, no not even enjoy, I am addicted to coffee, not caffeine but coffee. I am in love with coffee. Last night I went to the neighbor “hood” Kroger to search for the perfect coffee to drink for the holiday weekend. Everything from Kenya blend to New Orleans blend to plain ole vanilla was displayed before me. I was all over that coffee like J-Lo to a Prada shoe sale. Reading each and every bag, I determined that the Cinnamon blend would be the perfect taste for my holiday coffee feast. Really though, how pathetic am I to spend this much time picking out coffee that probably was made here and tastes just like Folgers? Well, I couldn’t help myself. I guess when you’re a full fledged addict you can’t stop. So at 5 bucks a pop I purchased a bag (even sounds like drugs-yeah man, I bought a bag of the good stuff!) I hustled home to get to sleep so I could get up and make my coffee in the morning. Well, I didn’t go right to sleep but you get the point I am trying to make that I couldn’t wait for morning to come. Normally on the weekends I will sleep until 8 or 9 but not this morning, oh no, I got up at 6 and ran into the kitchen to grind my beans. Oh yes, I am a full fledged coffee snob, I must grind my beans as I have heard it tastes fresher; but I don’t think it does. However, once you tell people that they MUST get whole bean coffee to grind you can’t be seen in the hood buying “ground” coffee ever again. What would people think? So here I am grinding the coffee, filling the coffeemaker with distilled water (if you’ve read my previous blogs, my tap water is brown, but anyway) and measuring the perfect coffee to water ratio. The aroma has almost overcome me and I am immediately catapulted into a fantasy of me running through fields of cinnamon on a deserted island with my dog, running to…I’m sorry, I am getting sidetracked. So, I start brewing and begin to get out my favorite coffee mug and a spoon for my sugar. I wait impatiently for a few minutes and it’s finally done! I carefully pour my coffee without spilling a drop of this precious commodity. Now the grand finale, I go to my Coolmax 5000 to get out the final topper offer…..the cream (aka half and half.) At first, I don’t see it behind my ketchup where it normally lies, “that’s ok I thought it must be here somewhere”. Slowly the panic sets in and I begin to break out into a cold sweat as I really DON’T SEE IT. Of course you don’t see it idiot, THERE IS NONE! There is no freakin’ half and half. Son of a mother #@&*^%$#!! I realize the panic attack has set in and I rush over to take a valium. Ok, these things happen, I will just run to the store to get some. HA, yeah right. Its 6 am in the hood and the only place open is you guessed it the Kroger. What happens when you run into a gigantic grocery store to buy one item QUICKLY? You know how I feel about this already. But nonetheless it was crunch time as the coffee has been poured and my world is on hold. I drive to Kroger. I go in to get the damn half and half and wait in line for about 15 minutes. Fuming people I am fuming. Is it my idiocy in neglecting the most precious ingredient in coffee, the damn cream? Or is it the sales person checking me out that appears to be falling asleep and is moving slower than a 95 year old man who has overdosed on sleeping pills? Come on lady wake the heck up! Good grief, I finally have the half and half and drive home. As I pull in the driveway, oh lord no, it’s my talkative neighbor that has three dogs and no life. She appears to be waiting to chat and it’s too late for me to turn back so I get out of the car with cream in hand. I do my best to be cordial while thinking about my COOLING coffee and the fact that I really am in my pajamas. Slowly, I start moving backwards towards the door so she won’t notice and she starts moving slowly FORWARD. Oh god what if she wants to come in for coffee!? Hell NO! Its mine all mine. I get up the courage to say as nice as I can, “Helen, I think I am about to have diarrhea, gotta go now, I’m sorry!” She gets the hint and backs off quickly. I run inside and pull the shades down so she wont see me standing there fixing my coffee. Good lord I sound insane, no I am insane. Well, who cares because once I poured the half and half in my cup and took the first sip, I knew I had found true inner peace, well, at least for the moment.