To Push or not to Push

This morning as I was feverishly running around trying to get ready, I saw the most ridiculous invention during an ad on TV. The commercial was for a new automobile that has loaded options. One of these options was for a “push-button ignition.” Yes, that’s right. Let me say it again. A push-button ignition. OK, as always, you know what I am going to say. How freaking lazy are Americans that we need a push-button ignition on our vehicles? I mean how long, exactly, does it take to put a key in a standard type of ignition slot? You know that I had to test this and see exactly how much freaking time we are wasting in an average day on key positioning. After I finished swabbing myself down instead of showering (I was inspired to shave off precious minutes by not showering this morning)…I went to my car and got in. Unfortunately, I do not have the luxury of a stop watch but nevertheless, I was ready to time key positioning. OK, I timed it. It took exactly one second for me to put the key in the ignition and turn the car on. This did not include any type of aversion that may occur with a key. For example, you may be slowed down by 5 seconds if you fumble with the key or 10 seconds if you drop the key on the floor. I also did not take into account if you need to swat a mosquito that buzzes in your ear the exact second you were to put the key into position. Regardless, without the deviations from the standard key positioning, it took a second folks. Ok, let’s add this up. Imagine you drive to and from work, to and from lunch and to and from and errand after work: that is 6 times you must put that key in the ignition. So, that is 6 seconds a day. Oh my. Wow! That is too much wasted time. I mean, really! Six seconds a day is 36.5 minutes a year if you add them all up…trust me, I did. So, by purchasing a new model luxury vehicle for an additional 4k-5k, you could save 36.5 minutes of your life each year. Wow…that is awesome….and here I thought that buying a fuel efficient cost effective vehicle with a standard key ignition was the way to go. Little did I know that I am wasting a touch more than a half hour a year. No wonder I can’t get anything done!

Drug Dealer or Doggie Doo-Doo, you tell me.

As you have realized by now, I live in my own little world, Bentley’s world. In this world, things never cease to amaze me. My newest damnation that I have experienced comes in the form of common idiocy. Let me begin here: I live in an apartment in Florida. Apartments in this state are beautiful and riddled with pools, palm trees and drug addicts. Oops, I meant to say wildlife. My bad. Wildlife. Now, in my world, drug addicts or better known as drug dealers lived in my complex. Now, you are going to say that Bentley must live in the hood right? Wrong. No such luck home slice. I live in a safe, diverse complex with all kinds of racial and ethnic peeps to swim my summer away with. This is not drug central. Well, apparently no one told this drug dealer that so he moved in with his girlfriend who was renting the apartment below us. Long story short: They sold drugs, carried a gun, threw each other down the stairs, and a list of other illegal items. I told the apartment management and they said that “security” would check out their apartment. Well, I am scared for them…not! They told the druggies that they were going to check out their apartment in three days. Wow, let’s give them some type of warning shall we? Needless to say, there were no drugs or guns left out when the “security” came a knocking. Big freaking surprise. So, now the druggies knew that I was the one that complained. Yikes. Great. Now I have a 250 pounder with a fourth grade edamacashun after me. Oh, did I mention he owns a GUN. I attempted to tell the complex what he was up to as I saw it happening and they said that they couldn’t do anything else and to call the police. OK. I am one of those crime stoppers kind of person so I called 911 after I heard the guy threaten to kill his girlfriend. 911 said that they couldn’t just come out unless there was absolute violence and a weapon involved. OK. Sure, let me go down there and ask nicely, “Are you fighting with a gun Mr. Crazy Drug Dealer?” Heck no! I told 911 that I “heard” the man mention that he had a gun and that he was going to use it! Well, they came out. But by the time they got there, they had left. Crap. So, now nothing could be done right? Wrong. Apparently, they were harassing others just like they were harassing me. The apartment complex said that if others complained then they could do something. Four couples moved out of the apartment before the apartment complex did anything. They lost four rentals to keep one drug dealer, gun-toting dingbat. Great. One day after I was one of the last people left in our building, I saw a note tucked into my door. Was it a death threat or an eviction for all of my complaining? Neither my dear friends. It was a notice that if the people of the complex did not pick up their dogs’ doo-doo, they would get one warning, then eviction. OK. You freaking know what I am thinking don’t you? Dress up as a drug dealer and have my dog doo-doo on the property, not pick it up and have someone take a picture and turn it in. Then they could be evicted, right? Not. That would have made too much sense. So, my apartment will evict you if your doggie’s doo-doo isn’t picked up but not if your neighbor totes a gun and 50 viles of crack up the stairs? Ok, I got it, just making sure. You can see why I was frustrated, can’t you? It is now, months later and they have finally been evicted after emptying the entire building of most tenants. What a shameful system and a poor excuse for property management. If you are ever thinking of moving to Florida, please do. Just don’t let your doggie doo-doo on the lawn and not pick it up. Oh and make sure to tote your crack and a gun in the wide-open…we accept that here. Happy Moving!

Spread the Love Around

There is nothing I hate worse than the beginning of a cold. Lets discuss this shall we? How many freakin times have you been sitting around and one of your coworkers or family members is sick and sneezing all over your space? It’s not pretty. In fact, it is downright terrifying. Because no matter what you do, you know it’s going to get you. You can pretend that it doesn’t exist or that its not coming (right away maybe) or that you are too positive to get it (ha freakin ha). It doesn’t matter what type of guru magic you know or the feng shue of your apartment…you are going to get sick! It is in the cards. That beginning of it is the worst. Your throat starts to hurt a little bit. You think, I will just take some “extra” vitamin c. Yeah right, like you haven’t eaten any fruits or vegetables for months now you are going to eat some vitamin c. sure thing. You may also think, I will get some extra rest. Ok like you ever take a nap. Hello…are you 5? What about the popular one, I just wont go near them? HaHaHa. Try doing that to your husband or wife and you, my friend, are in for some trouble. Give it up. Next, comes the sneeze or two. Try ten in a row. Then, the slight discomfort in your body. Maybe one chill every now and then. Its coming and you are still planning that big weekend with the guys. HaHaHa. Give it up! Not even a Nascar racer could get away from this germ. It has a hold of you like skin on a leg quarter. All you can do now is suck it up. Or better yet, do what everyone else does, spread the love around my friend, spread it around.